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Civil Affairs: What the Hell, Blue?

WetRats

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What the hell, Blue?

Seriously, what the hell? What happened to “Nooo, Piper, I’m retiring? Nooo, Piper, you and Northbridge are plenty to keep me busy? Nooo, Piper, I’m ready to collect my Peace Dividend?”

Well, don’t expect to be getting another piece of THIS dividend anytime soon, mister.

And Custodian? Like janitor? I know how much you like alliteration, but Custodian of the Commonwealth doesn’t really sing. Let me guess, it’s subtle wordplay in Latvian or one of those other twice-dead languages.

Well why didn’t you just say “Keeper” then? Hah! You’re not the only one who can play that game. Or what about “Constable?” You know “stable” like your horses? And of course the way you conned everybody into putting you in charge. Jerk.

You can’t expect me to just keep waiting around while you run off to slay the latest dragon. One of these times when you come climbing out of a hole in the ground, looking all smug and triumphant, I won’t be there to greet you.

I have other admirers, you know. Zeke says I’m “everything plus” and I “really know my groceries.” I have no idea what that one means, but it’s apparently pretty impressive. Danny Sullivan has been in love with me for years. And Preston can’t even look me in the eyes.

Of course they're all afraid of you and consider me your property.

But I was pretty pushy before I met you, and I’ve been studying at the feet of the High Priest of Pushiness for years now, so I could snatch any one of them up just like that. Yes, I did mean that pun. Writer, remember?

I want those babies you’ve been teasing me about all this time. And I want them to be yours.

But only if you’re gonna be around.

Last time you weren’t around for your kid, he turned out to be a real shit, remember?

What? Married? Of course I want to get married. But I don’t want to be a widow, Blue.

I know it’s ridiculous of me to believe you when you say you’re ready to stop getting smack in the middle of every problem in the Commonwealth. And I know you’ve gotten wayyy better at delegating responsibility. But you need to understand that I am freaking terrified every time you leave my sight that your luck is gonna run out.

Oh yeah, right. As if any of those clowns could ever measure up to you. Besides, they’ve got it wrong, I’m not your property, you’re mine.

What the hell, Blue, you’ve already saved the Commonwealth from everyone else, I guess it’s only right you save it from itself.

But I really think “Constable of the Commonwealth” sounds better than “Custodian.”
 
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I'm really happy with this one. I think I came pretty close to nailing Piper's voice.
 
Good thing she ain’t saying that to me personally. She’d be toast, relationship-wise.

Some shit I don’t take. Nasty bastard that I am. :grin
 
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